Loyalty is a word that often comes up when we talk about relationships. We want our people to be loyal to us; to be trust worthy, faithful and honour the relationship. But what happens when loyalty ends up with you dishonouring and disloyal to yourself?

I’m a person that values relationships so much so that I was being disloyal to myself and couldn’t see it. My feelings would end up hurt. But in the name of the time I’d invested and being of the thinking of “no new friends” I would seek to find it in myself to get past the hurt and continue.

If I’m being totally honest there were red flags all over show. I was aware of my reputation for being “hasty”, “extra” and “fiery” (things I had negatively internalised) so I would pacify myself when in reality I should have listened to what my emotions were trying to tell me. Our emotions are like complex markers and spiritual guidance telling us how we should feel at any given moment. But sometimes our emotions can be off the mark depending on our past experiences. For example an opportunity for us to move to another country or showcase our talents comes up, but we don’t because of fear for whatever reason. Or kicking off in an argument just to see in the end you were in the wrong lol This is where discernment comes in.

Anyway, I remember going into work upset and my manager would ask me what’s up. I would tell her why I was upset and she would tell me straight up “that’s not your friend!” I would literally shut her down and say “no that’s not it!” 😂 I can just imagine my manager rolling her eyes in her head like “girl bye!”

Everything inside me was telling me something was off. I was uncomfortable and just couldn’t settle. But I would ride it out until the feeling passed.

I was in denial. When something is a recurring theme it’s telling you something! And when you get the feeling that something isn’t right, just pay attention. We shouldn’t wait for the dramatic crescendo to call it a day; that just leave more crap for us to clean up later…more emotions that we need to heal through.

I truly believed that because some of these friends had been with me through my prison sentence and other situations that they were solid. That is not the case. Some people just love having a front row seat to the dramas that happening in your life. I felt like I owed them something because they were there supporting me, not even taking into consideration what I also brought to the connection. The loyalty was eclipsing my own judgement and I was afraid to make a mistake. I stopped trusting myself. But guess what happens when you allow so many passes? The disrespect gets louder and blatant.

It was only till I got a metaphoric slap in the face that I finally decided that was it. It literally got that bad.

No matter how anyone has helped you it does not give them a pass to treat you like 💩!

This is why I love journalling and think you should too! It gave me a chance to explore myself and my thinking at a deeper level like: what prevented me from leaving sooner? what made these people so comfortable to take the p*ss? why didn’t I listen to myself? what am I going to do in relationships moving forward?

One thing I know for sure is that I’ll be making adjustments from the first red flag. The door will be unlocked and my hand will be on the handle ready to leave at any moment. I will be the hasty, extra, fiery goddess I’m supposed to be, Ok!

I used to be so hard on myself. Like why did I allow things to get so bad? But life is a whole lesson. you get the experience and grow so when something similar arises, you see it and know how to handle it. I trust myself in everything. And if I’ve made a mistake I can learn from that too. It’s not the end of the world.

One point I’d also like to make is when you build your life with specific people, it can be difficult to let go. It’s hard to imagine life without them but life goes on; it really does. You may also worry about what may be said about you, but in the grand scheme of it all it really doesn’t matter. You’ll be better off, find new beneficial people and you will get accustomed to your new normal.

May you have the courage, confidence and discernment to be loyal to yourself in all ways that enriches every area of your life!

Seeya in the next post!