Hiya love!

Friendships are beautiful. They provide so much fun, laughter, love, support and validation. They can, on the other hand be quite complex and challenging. I liken friendships with romantic relationships in terms of unique energies coming together and being a harmonious match. And just like any relationship you can’t predict people with similar interests will be the perfect match for each other. Sometimes opposite energies can come together and a wonderful friendship blooms unexpectedly. Other times, it doesn’t work out. Like chemical reactions that bonds and forms connections or simply fails and disconnects. Forming friendships is one thing but maintaining friendships is another,

I’ve listed some attributes and attitudes that I feel makes a good friend. The list below is non-exhaustive but covers some main points that I think makes a solid foundation in a friendship.

Authenticity

Listen, we wanna be relaxed in our friendships. We wanna be free. Free to be ourselves completely judgement free. I’ve had friendships where they’ve turned on me and all of a sudden I’m being ridiculed for being me! Imagine! Your energy is valuable. The essence of who you are. Your mind, quirks, interests, talent, style, skills and personality is your energy expressing itself. It’s ok to get into a friendship and decide that it’s not for you. You can respectfully bow out. However, being fake takes a lot of effort (for me it does anyway I can’t keep it up) so be yourself and accept others for who they are. Plus, when you’re authentic you attract good matches for your energy.

RESPECT

It should go without saying but in EVERY relationship respect is the foundation; because once the respect is gone all types of f*ckery starts to happen. It’s all in the treatment. It shows that you value and care about them. So respect In every way. For who they are as a person, respect their time and energy, their privacy, their boundaries etc.

NOBODY wants to be disrespected in any way shape of form so treat them as you would like to be treated.

AUTONOMY

Autonomy is a persons right to do what they want. They have freewill, a sound mind and can make their own decisions. This should also be respected too. We may not agree with the decisions our friends are making, but the way I get around it is simply saying to myself that they are making their own decisions for their life. I’m not living their life I have my own. And no one can tell me what to do when I want to do something. My friends ask me for advice and they know how honest I am. If they don’t take my advice I will not hold that against them. I respect their decision and move on because it’s their life! Not mine. Plus I’ve put my friends through it with decisions I’ve made trust me! drama drama drama. Prison visits and letters, but it was my life and I was doing what I wanted at the time. I am blessed to still have friends from that time. If you’re reading this I love you! ❤️

LOYALTY

Isn’t this what we all want in relationships? Loyalty, devotion, faithfulness and commitment to the friendship. We want someone who is:

• there through thick and thin
• hold space for you
• honest and true
• has the ability to keeps secrets and also understands, discretion and sacredness of the things that are sacred to you like your family, children, beliefs, projects etc
• stand up for you, they got your back
• supports you and celebrates your successful moments

All these things build trust and closeness (intimacy)

DISTANCE

This can be misunderstood and can often lead to friendships fizzling out. I do think it depends on type of friendship though. I have friendships that are moderate to high contact (daily/weekly/) and others that are low (bi-monthly, if that, and probably haven’t met up for 6 months to a year!) It all changes from person to person.

Distance in friendships can increase and decrease depending on what’s going on in ones life. We just need to use our judgement. for example, if someone decides to take up studying again, has a baby, or is simply going trough a tough time or just needs some time to themselves then you probably won’t hear from them as much. Respect their time and boundaries. Check in, send messages or call without bombarding them. Let them know when they’re ready for visitors you’ll be there.

High contact can be for anything. Exciting things happening, drama and gossip, planning trips and events or just the desire to keep one another updated.

It’s worth mentioning that we shouldn’t take it personal when someone wants time to themselves or changes the frequency of the contact. We are our own person and need time to spend time in our own energy. As I’ve gotten older I personally like a lot of time to myself. It goes back to autonomy and free will. If in doubt about anything, or if the distance has an undertone of something being wrong, I would suggest talking about it just so everyone is clear and no assumptions are being made. I’ve grown over the years to not take things personally. Everybody has things going on in their lives.

Love

I can’t believe I almost missed this one out! But it is self explanatory. Love in friendships, platonic love. Love is a verb so show your friend you love them. There are so many ways you can show love. It reminds me of the 5 love languages. Show you care.

images from https://www.simplypsychology.org/five-love-languages.html

Pain

I’m not even going to cover the minor fallings out here. I’m talking about when our friends hurt us. They break the friendship codes of loyalty, They chat your business, they talk about you behind your back, they start disrespecting you, moving shady and generally making you feel a way. We’re quick to talk about the Red flags in romantic relationships, but we need to talk about the red flags in our friendships.

They shouldn’t be ignored. Don’t allow anyone to disrespect you no matter how long you’ve been friends.

They need to be tackled straight away and you will know because you will see/feel/hear about it. You can confront them if you like, but most of the time they will not admit to the shit they’ve been up to. Just let them go. blocka blocka blocka. They know what they’ve done and I can’t be arsed with the back and forth. It’s a waste of energy. Just let them go.

I will say this though. You will grieve the loss of some friendships and that’s ok. Allow the process to happen and then let it go. Don’t become cold and bitter. Take the wisdom and the lessons learned. Keep your heart open and make space for sweeter, better friendships.

last bits to mentioned

It’s said that some people come in your life for a reason a season and some for a lifetime. Knowing the difference will help with not staying in friendships (or any relationship) longer than necessary. You keep it moving and make room for new relationships to enter.

Reciprocity. Its all about give and take. Balance. Don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you. You’re always doing favours for them, helping just generally there for them, but and they don’t return the energy. If that is happening fall back immediately.

I know I spoke about honouring distance, freewill, autonomy and everything, but If you see your friend is in any harm or danger please let someone know.

Trust your discernment and use your intuition. It is there to protect you in your life period.

Mistakes are made in all relationships. Remedy (if possible) them as quickly as possible.

Did I miss anything? What do you think contributes to a good friendship? Let me know in the comments!

Seeyalaterbye!